I’ve been remembering some of my experiences of change. One that was very significant for me was a few years ago now. I had been walking my dogs first thing in the morning and I was reflecting on my internal sense of self and how I was feeling on a day to day basis. As I reached the front door, I had a profound realisation that I was content with myself in a way that I hadn’t ever felt before. I was amazed and astounded by this realisation. I found myself thinking but when did I change? How did this happen? As I thought about the difference I was experiencing I realised I wasn’t able to identify any particular moments of significance, but that what had been happening was slow, incremental moments and shifts and change that I had not been aware of until then.
So, how does change happen? There are probably 100’s of books that have been written on the subject, numerous blog posts and theory about how it all works. The impact on people, how we cope and deal with changes in our lives or how we make changes for the better.
Change in Therapy
Clients often talk to me about change during their therapy. If the desired change is something about self, what seems to be very common is a sense that we will know immediately when change happens. And that the desired change will happen quickly. There seems to be an internal expectation that people will immediately think about what they want to do differently and be able put that in place. I suspect this is often because the distress of the current situation is difficult and people want things to be different and for this to happen quickly. I see a lot of this with people I work with. I often find myself saying something like “you’ve been thinking/feeling/behaving this way for x number of years – it’s likely to take some more time for you to make the changes you want.”
The two aspects I’m noticing most as I’m writing this post are about our expectations:
- about the speed of change and
- that we will notice immediately when we do change.
My “how to support yourself” tips from this post are that we have to learn to be patient with ourselves. In some ways I often think this is one of the tasks of therapy. To learn to be more forgiving of ourselves, to be more patient with ourselves, to have more realistic and kinder expectations of ourselves. And notice the small stuff. I suspect that in my journey to being more content with myself there were numerous small shifts and changes along the way that I didn’t account or was aware of. If I had been I suspect it would have been very helpful in motivating and encouraging me that I was changing.
I’m going to give a couple of examples of what I mean by “the small stuff”. If I’m the kind of person who can’t relax until all the jobs are done I might find myself leaving the washing up until after I’ve watched that TV programme. Or, if I’m really nervous around people and find it difficult to interact I might find that I say hello to one of my work colleagues in the kitchen at work instead of being silent. So my final tip is take time to do a self check and notice those tiny shifts in thinking, feeling and behaviour. They are important and over time can add up to the significant change you are working towards.
Have you made big changes in your life that you would like to share? How did that happen? I’d love to hear people’s stories of changes they have made.